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Remember what it was like to get your first car?

These days, that’s exactly how kids feel when they get their first kids phone. To many kids, a phone represents freedom. Like a car, it’s a private space, a status symbol, and a ticket to adulthood. Also like a car, it can be dangerous. Reckless phone usage can crack the door to online predators, cyberbullying, and misinformation.

Unlike a car, however, there are no rules around how old someone must be before they can use a cell phone. There’s no test they need to pass before getting their first phone, no course equivalent to driver’s ed, and no police officers around to make sure they follow the rules.
Choices around your kids first phone rest solely with you, their parent.

When they get a phone, what type of phone they get, and how and when they can use that phone are big, life-changing decisions.

To help you make them wisely, we’ve put together this guide about buying a kids phone. Let’s get started with the big kahuna: age.

When To Get Their First Kids Phone

Like driving, there’s no “right” age for phone ownership. Not all 16-year-olds are ready to get behind the wheel by themselves, nor are all them ready for the responsibility of a smartphone.

When do parents think the typical kid should get their first phone? Researchers asked 1,000 Americans “When should kids get smartphones?” Respondents said:

Middle school: 40%
High school: 33.2%
Older than high school: 17.7%
Elementary school: 5.9%
Younger than preschool: 2.4%
Preschool: 0.9%

In other words, the vast majority of Americans think kids should be at least 12 or 13 before they get their first phone. This doesn’t exactly match up with actual buying patterns, though. One study shows that 69% of kids have a smartphone by the time they’re 12 years old, which is middle school aged. No matter how you look at it, experts, however, say age shouldn’t be the deciding factor.

Michael Rich, an associate professor of pediatrics at Harvard Medical School, suggests some 13 year olds may be ready, while some college students might not be. Maturity varies widely from kid to kid.

How to say ‘No’ if They’re Not Ready

As their parent, it’s up to you to decide what the best time is for buying a kids phone. Denying your kids of something they want can be difficult, but there are ways to do it thoughtfully. You can say:

Our founding partners recognized that kids need phones and watches designed especially for them, and that means:
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No internet browsing

The internet is full of useful, educational content. Unfortunately, it’s also full of bad actors, many of whom directly target children.
Platforms, cyberbullies, and child predators thrive on the internet. And as much as their parents would want them to, not all kids feel comfortable speaking up if they find themselves in trouble.

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No games

Not all games are bad for kids. Board games and multiplayer video games can teach social skills and teamwork. Outdoor games can build strength, resilience, and hand-eye coordination.

Phone games, however, are different. Most of them are solo games, and virtually all of them are gamified — in other words, designed to keep your child playing as long as possible.

Children simply don’t understand how addictive digital content can be. At best, phone games are distractions from things like school, work, and family time.

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No social media

Speaking of addictive digital content, social media apps shouldn’t be on a kids phones. Study after study has associated child social media use with issues like anxiety and depression.

What’s more, the relationship appears to be dose-dependent: The more time a kid spends on social media, the more likely they are to develop mental or emotional health issues. Smartphones make social media far too accessible to developing minds.

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No app downloads or App Store

If games and social media apps don’t come pre-loaded on your kids first phone, you had better believe that she will try to download them. Unfortunately, the App Store is full of apps that simply aren’t appropriate for kids. Just a few clicks is all it takes to find ones with drug references and graphic violence.

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No picture messages

Picture messages might seem harmless at first: Why stop your kid from sharing photos from his birthday party?

The trouble is, most kids simply aren’t mature enough to use picture messaging responsibly. Nearly a quarter of high school-age teens and a third of college students have been involved in nude sexting.

Not only is child porn illegal, but digitally transferred content never truly disappears. Even once it’s deleted on the device, there’s always a record of it somewhere.

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No group text

Teens are pack animals. Alone or with a friend, they tend to play by the rules. Get a dozen of them together, though, and dangerous decisions get made.

Group texts provide too much opportunity for peer pressure. When teens know they have an audience, they’re tempted to do dumb things to impress their friends.

Even cell phones for kids aren’t foolproof, however. That’s why it’s critical to have a talk with your child before turning them loose with their new device.

Explaining Safe Phone Use to Your Child

Before taking your kids phone out of the box, take a seat at the kitchen table. To prevent a free-for-all, it’s important you develop a technology roadmap.

The roadmap should lay out your concerns as a parent. It should cover how and when you want to address technology issues across three categories:

Setting Boundaries For Their First Phone

No matter how solid your technology roadmap, your kid is still going to need some rules around healthy phone use. Be sure to set boundaries in these areas:
Duration of use

The science is clear: Too much screen time is bad for developing brains. Because screens are so stimulating, they can worsen stress and sleep issues. In some cases, they can cause children to lose interest in real-world activities. Pediatricians recommend that children between the ages of 5 and 17 get no more than two hours of screen time per day. Remember, that includes time spent looking at televisions and desktop computers, not just phone screens.

SAY THIS

If your son can’t seem to step away from screens, give him a weekly time budget. If he wants to spend three hours on a screen one day, fine — but remind him that he’s eating into his time allotment for the rest of the week. A screen-time budget is a great way to teach personal responsibility.

Frequency of use

Even if your kid isn’t exceeding their daily or weekly screen time allowance, you don’t want them checking their phone every five minutes. They need to learn to be present, no matter what buzzes or chimes are coming from their device.

SAY THIS

Ask your child to schedule her screen time. Maybe she’s allowed to spend an hour per day on her phone, but she needs to decide in advance how she’ll split up that time. She might choose half an hour before dinner and a half an hour afterward, for example.

“Never ever” times and places

Make sure your child understands that there are certain circumstances when his phone shouldn’t be out at all. Dinner time is a good example: Everyone should be focused on the meal and the conversation. Another is bedtime: The bedrooms should be reserved for sleep, not for phone time. One that can have life-changing consequences? Using a wireless phone while driving. Certainly, you want your teen to be able to call you if he or she has an emergency on the road. But using a screen while driving is dangerous and, in many states, illegal.

SAY THIS

If inappropriate use is a persistent issues, try flipping the script with your kid’s phone: Instead of restricting phone use at certain times and in certain situations, identify when and where it’s allowed. Maybe your kid’s usage window should be after 5-9 p.m. You might allow phones in the kitchen, dining room, and living room. Boundaries mean little, however, if your kid doesn’t see you obeying them yourself. It’s critical to create a screen-balanced home.

Checking in With Your Child

After handing your child his first phone is not the time to be hands-off. Periodically, sit down with him to find out how he’s doing with his new device.

Here are some dos and don’ts for your kids first phone:

DO

Ask how they’re using their phone.

As discussed earlier, there are constructive and destructive ways to use a smartphone. Is your kids phone being used to play games or talk to strangers? Or is it being used for research and homework? Refer back to that technological roadmap you put together. Tell your child you trust her to make healthy, productive choices with her new device.

DON’T

Assume the worst

Unless you have proof of misbehavior, don’t assume that your child is misusing his phone. You don’t want him to feel as if he can’t come to you in an emergency. Accusations risk damaging your relationship. With that said, do follow up on suspicious signals. If your child is being secretive with his wireless phone, gently ask if there’s anything you need to talk about. If he suddenly stops using his device, make sure he isn’t being harassed by a bully.

DO

Tell them you care about their wellbeing.

The best thing you can do to get your child to be open about their phone habits? Remind her that you care about her. Do this verbally and with your actions. Tell her that you want to see her happy and healthy. Talk about some of the social struggles you experienced as a kid. Remind her that you’re always up to listen. What actions communicate caring? Easy ones include:
1. Writing a card or note
You know how it feels to get a handwritten letter from a friend or family member. You don’t have to be the next Shakespeare: Spend five minutes spilling your thoughts, and package it up in a nice envelope.
2. Spending an afternoon with them
One way to communicate that you care while underscoring the value of real-world relationships is simply to hang out with your child. Let him choose the activity: Maybe he wants to play a game of basketball. Perhaps a picnic is more his style.
3. Gifting a phone accessory
To kids, caring words can come across as accusatory. A good way to remind them that you’re on their side is with a gift. Choose an inexpensive, child-appropriate one that pairs with their device. Perhaps an accessory to protect their phone, such as a case or a screen protector, is just the ticket.

DON’T

Seize and search their phone.

If you trusted your child enough to buy them a phone — even if it’s a phone for kids — you shouldn’t feel like you need to search it. Searching someone else’s phone communicates distrust, even if you only want to see a text message. Digging through your kids phone should be a last-resort measure. Do so only if they’re clearly hiding something and won’t discuss it, or if you learn their phone habits have put their or others’ safety at risk. How you treat your child after getting them their first phone is, if anything, more important than how you act beforehand. Children are impressionable, and they may read into parenting behaviors that seem benign to you.

Imposing Consequences for Phone Misuse

No matter how thorough your technology roadmap and how caring your post-purchase follow-ups, your child will slip up. They may be safer, but phones for kids still offer plenty of opportunities to get into trouble.

If your kid does say the wrong thing online or overuse their wireless phone, don’t panic. Make sure the consequences are proportional to the problem.
Consequences you should consider include:

Know When to Ask a Pro

If your child’s behavior seriously goes off the rails when they get their first smartphone, a temporary tech detox may not be enough. Still, you can’t shield them from all technology forever. How do you navigate that? You get in touch with a professional. Options include:

Tech Coaches

Some parents have started hiring screen-time coaches to help their kids build a better relationship with tech. Because kids don’t have existing emotional attachments to their coaches, these professionals may be more successful in explaining the reasoning behind the rules. Ask your kid’s school counselor or medical professional for a referral.

Family Counselors

If behavioral problems related to your kids phone go beyond overuse, it may be time to set up an appointment with a family counselor. Talk therapy is a low-risk approach that can get to the bottom of the issue. Don’t wait to say something until family tensions reach a fever pitch.

Camps and Treatment Centers

As a last resort, it may be necessary to enroll your child in a tech treatment program. Options range from Alcoholics Anonymous-like fellowship groups to inpatient recovery programs that specialize in treating nomophobia, or smartphone addiction. Be sure you’ve exhausted coaching and counseling options before going this route.
In the majority of cases, getting your kids first smartphone won’t require more than a slight course correction. Just know that there are resources out there if things get out of hand.

Adding Privileges —
And Responsibilities

If a year or two rolls by without your child making any major phone mistakes, they’ve demonstrated they can use their device responsibly. Reward them with additional privileges. Remind them, however, that those additional privileges come with new responsibilities.

Start by relaxing restrictions on when, where, and how often they can use their phone. Perhaps you increase the number hours they’re allowed to use their phone each day. Maybe they get to take it to school or to friends’ houses, rather than only getting to use it at home.

Try to do this in a way that reduces the burden on you. If you initially asked them to schedule their phone time, maybe they’re allowed to use it as frequently as they like — while still limiting their total screen time.

Explain that those new privileges require changes to the rules. If you decide to let them take their device to school, it’s their responsibility to keep it out of sight during class. If they lose it, perhaps they have to chip in for the cost of a replacement.

Each time you ease your usage restrictions, give your child a few months to adjust. Make sure they’re not going to slip up before you relax them further. If they do, reinstate the restrictions or implement one of the consequences described earlier.

What if they pass each stage with flying colors? It may be time for the ultimate reward: a smarter phone.

Stepping up to a Smarter Phone

Sooner or later, your son or daughter is likely to start pushing for a “real” smartphone. They’ll notice that many of the kids around them have devices that can access games and social media, and they’ll want one as well. If they’ve demonstrated responsibility repeatedly — and if your budget allows — reward them with a smarter phone. After all, they’ll eventually need to manage fully featured devices themselves.

That doesn’t mean, of course, that you have to rush out to get them the latest iPhone. But a low- to mid-level smartphone may not be a bad idea. How many times have you needed to look something up on the go? How many times has group messaging brought your friends together from a distance? Wait for the right time to get your kid a smarter phone. You want it to feel like a reward, but you also need to reinforce the additional responsibilities they’ll gain. Good opportunities include: