Opinion: Parenting Has Never Been Harder

This is a guest post from digital forensic specialist, Chad Meli.

Life was a lot easier when I was in my early teens. I remember coming home from school after a bad day and retreating to my room. That was my safe haven. I’d crank up some music and self-isolate. I was always a bit of an introvert so coming home and hiding in my room for a few hours, or even for a whole weekend, was not something to cause alarm. I enjoyed being home and locking out the rest of the world at times. 

It was easier to do that back then. I didn’t have a computer. I didn’t have a cellphone. The world wide web didn’t exist yet.  

It’s not so easy now. For kids today, it’s nearly impossible to disconnect in a world where keeping people connected is the primary motivation for most apps on our phones and computers. For many kids, there is no safe haven. Between social media posts and comments, website forums and discussion groups, texting, mobile chat applications, and online gaming communities, shutting down for even a few minutes can be a huge challenge. 

A teen coming home from a bad day at school looks a lot different today. The constant notifications are hard to ignore. Our kids are conditioned to be online. They use their phones and their computers to complete their schoolwork. They are educated through these devices so there is a huge reliance on them. The same device they use to look up historical facts for their latest school assignment could be the same device in which they are exposed to cyberbullying and potential exploitation of countless types. 

The Threat is Real

I spent over two decades working as a U.S. law enforcement officer, including 10 years focused on cyber-related crimes involving the sexual exploitation of children and human trafficking. Much of that time was spent in an undercover capacity locating and identifying suspects who were distributing illegal imagery of children as well as persons actively seeking out child victims. These are not people you want your children communicating with, online or in-person.

The point is not to try and scare anyone. The point is that if it is tougher to be a kid nowadays, then it is also tougher to be a parent.

All my parents had to do at night was peek into my room and physically see me to know I was safe. That same principle is not true today. 

The vast majority of online exploitation occurs when children are at home. It occurs when they are under the supervision of their parents. It occurs at the dinner table, on that drive to the shopping mall, and it occurs when they are sitting quietly in their rooms at night. 

If your children are online, they are at risk. 

As parents we must keep up with technology. We must be familiar with social media and mobile chat applications. We must understand the technology behind the devices we are purchasing for our kids. Fortunately, devices designed specifically for kid-safety now exist. But it is our job, as parents, to know and understand these things. 

Yes, it’s difficult. Yes, it’s complicated. Yes, it’s worth it. 

Communication is Key 

Educating kids on what online exploitation looks like is paramount. They need to know the dangers. We need to teach our kids that it’s okay to block someone online. It’s not rude. Blocking someone online is no different than running away from a creepy stranger at the city park. 

We all hope and expect that our kids would recognize that face-to-face danger and run away when they feel uncomfortable or unsafe. We also need to train them to recognize that same concept online and block that person and report their behavior immediately because it doesn’t take long to become extremely dangerous. 

Using existing technology, a child can be manipulated by an adult offender into communicating with someone they believe to be their own age. And this can happen in minutes — offenders are skilled in grooming tactics. They know what to say to our children and they know exactly how and when to say it. Offenders understand social media and mobile chat applications. Offenders understand technology and they use the same apps and are present in the same online communities and discussion groups that children use. 

Offenders choose victims carefully and they often initially appear as a helpful observer, offering advice or a sympathetic ear. An offender knows when a kid has had a rough day and is vulnerable just by monitoring how they behave online. As parents, we must take an active role with our kids when it comes to their online activity. We must monitor and sometimes even control their online behavior. Because if we, as parents, don’t do it, someone else will.

Based on my years of experience investigation online crimes, here are some helpful tips to keep your children safe online:

1. Limit their access and collect devices at night for safe keeping until morning.
2. Talk to your kids about the dangers of online exploitation and how to recognize suspicious or harmful online behavior.
3. Monitor their online behavior and interact with your children online.
4. Educate your children to not reveal personal information online.
5. Keep a record of their usernames and passwords for online accounts.
6. Monitor which apps they use and which websites they visit.
7. Utilize parental controls and understand the privacy settings for their online accounts and apps.
8. Use available technology to monitor your child’s location.
9. Do not punish or over-react when your child reports suspicious or inappropriate behavior.
10. Restrict all social-media to “private” to control access to friends/family only.

Common Signs of Grooming

The term ‘grooming’ refers to the purposeful manipulation and control of a child in order to perpetrate child sexual abuse. Grooming can occur quickly, especially if child victims are experiencing moments of low self-esteem or dealing with difficult situations such as divorce or the loss of a family member. Whatever the situation, offenders are becoming more and more experienced at grooming. Many U.S. states have established laws making grooming illegal. 

As a parent or guardian, learn the common signs of grooming so you can identify them early and intervene. These include: 

1. Extreme anxiety when access to their phone or computer is restricted. 
2. Becoming very secretive about their phone or computer use. 
3. Sudden bouts of exhaustion or lack of sleep. 
4. Having new and expensive gifts without explanation. 
5. Spending time “alone” at common areas like parks or malls for extended periods of time. 
6. Being dropped off or collected by unknown persons or vehicles. 
7. Unusual closeness to a new or unknown person, especially an online or older friend. 
8. Periods of unexplained absence or being dishonest about who they have been with or where they have been. 
9. Sudden changes in online behavior, such as spending more time or less time online.
10. Sudden changes in physical behavior, such as becoming withdrawn or upset.

Understanding what grooming is and knowing how to recognize it is the key to keeping children safe online. 

Lessons Learned Through Decades

As simple as these tips might seem, they can be life saving. When I say prevention is far easier than rehabilitation and rescue, you can trust me. And there is good news: taking these threats seriously does not mean living in fear. 

In my current role with the International Protection Alliance (IPA), I’ve seen the difference that following these simple tips can make in keeping kids safe online. Fighting online sexual exploitation is a fight we can win.

Learning about the dangers is the first and most important step (and you’ve already started). If you’d like to learn more or invite other parents to join in, schedule an IPA training in your area by visiting www.protectall.org and sending us an email.